Everyone tries to claim Bono as "nothing to do with any of us"...

For over twenty years now every single interview ever conducted on planet Earth - no matter what the subjective content or journalistic bias - has contained reference to "distancing oneself" from U2 front man Bono. People from across all walks of life have found the one topic on which there is universal agreement.

Stalin and Hitler were believed to have shared a harmonious and pleasant coffee date in Berlin, full of agreement about their shared hatred of Bono. Communist China and capitalist America both have demeaning nude statues of Bono in their nation's capitals along with the placard "Wanker" which attract millions of tourists from all over the globe.    

Whether talking about music, global economics, environment, scientific research or simply a WI committee member talking about a local bake-sale, every interview has contain a passing quote "denying" the validity of the Irish U2 singer.

"Bono is definitely NOT Irish"

Irish PM Edna Kenny told anyone who would listen "I have personally revoked his Irish passport, so I can confirm that just like John Lennon and the other Beatles, Bono is NOT Irish, we don't want him and we urge every nation to do the same."
Even when opening a Birmingham hospital ward, HRH Queen Elizabeth momentarily veered off-topic to declare him a "prick" to gathered BBC journalists.

"I now declare this ward open.....and Bono a prick!"

Irish people have vehemently denied he is Irish. Singer's have denied he is a singer. Millions of starving African's have stated they'd rather starve than take any charity that could be proved to be associated with Bono stating "It'd just be too embarrassing and damaging for our reputations to accept anything from that smug, faced tax dodging scum."  

Scientists and linguistic experts are working twenty-four hour rolling shifts in order to keep up with the ever increasing demand for inventive new ways and words with which to call Bono a "cunt" as existing linguistics just don't have the depth of scope required to reflect global opinions of hatred.

Media giants Apple and Google have both promised to include apps that comes pre-loaded into their operating systems with a fresh abusive insult to forward directly to the singer's email account every day in an attempt to both boost sales, and give the people of the world access to the one thing that binds us all together as human beings. Well, all of us except one....

http://www.nme.com/news/the-beatles/87231

Bluetones on comeback trail...

British indie band 'The Bluetones' are making a comeback with a September tour and by re-issuing two of their classic albums - 1996 debut 'Expecting To Fly' and 1998's wild-west infused 'Return To The Last Chance Saloon'. Both albums will be re-released as double CD's featuring bonus versions and B-sides picked by the band.

As ever with nineties UK indie bands, the B-sides are often more sought after than many of the album tracks and singles and the Bluetones are no exception and the reissue of Last Chance Saloon will feature the cult track "I Was A Teenage Jesus" which front man Mark Morriss admits has been one of the most requested songs at Bluetones and his own solo concerts.

"This is one of my favourite things we ever recorded,” he says. “One of the first songs written for the Last Chance Saloon sessions, it didn’t make the cut for the album as I think we felt it was a bit too light-hearted at the time.”

The band split in 2011 after a string of underwhelming album releases which never managed to capture public imagination in the way their first two albums did, although the band always retained a hardcore live following throughout their career.

Details of the September tour are as follows:

SEPTEMBER
Leeds O2 Academy (16th)
Glasgow ABC (17th)
Newcastle O2 Academy (18th)
Manchester Ritz (19th)
Portsmouth Pyramid (23th)
London Forum (24th)
Birmingham O2 Academy (26th)
Bristol O2 Academy (27th)


Read more: http://www.live4ever.uk.com/2015/07/the-bluetones-announce-return-to-the-last-chance-saloon-reissue/#ixzz3hShjx13Y

Liam Gallagher writes lyrics....must be about Noel?

In an unprecedented journalistic 'scoop', NME has reported that a long running fued between two brothers - one of whom was previously assumed to be illiterate - has been re-ignited after video footage emerged of the younger brother singing what can only be described as a "specifically targeted lyrical assassination" to family members and friends whilst the elder brother's back was turned.

NME sources - believed to be graffiti from an Irish pub toilet - reported that Liam Gallagher, 12, performed "what appeared to be a new song, which included the lyrics "Yes I know, I've been wrong/ Didn't do what I was told/ Yes I know I've been wrong/ Didn't do what I was told/ I ain't looking for no 9-5/ Sick of wasting all my precious time/ Cos it's alright /Cos it's alright now".

Lyrics containing this magnitude of originality can only be interpreted as a direct attack on his elder sibling, and definitely not as the work of a man with a limited grasp of English and a record collection exclusively comprised of Paul Weller and John Lennon songs. The lyrics also seem to make a sly dig at Dolly Parton, who was unavailable for comment as she was at work (during office hours).

The NME continues "The song – which can be watched below - also appears to include a reference to brother Noel Gallagher’s latest solo album, 'Chasing Yesterday', with the lyric, "When I wake up and I hear you say/ There's no love worth chasing yesterday" which is almost as incendiary as it is boring.

Other - less offensive and personal - rhymes Gallagher chose to ignore in order to create his attack on fluffy-monobrowed brother Noel include...

Let's go outside and play
Why don't you come over and stay?
My favourite song is 'Round Our Way'

...all of which would've sent a much more brotherly message.

What more proof do we need that Liam is indeed a vindictive, manipulative lyrical assassin?

Read more at http://www.nme.com/news/liam-gallagher/87206#TFOSgOMXJpgOjxJk.99

The Future Rays

My hometown of Oxford has always had a pretty decent musical CV featuring such indie luminaries as Ride, Radiohead, Supergrass and The Candyskins as well as a whole host of other amazing bands. As a result I always keep a keen eye on what's happening in the city, and to that end, here is a little bit of "future" from the city: 'The Future Rays' are the latest band project from one of my pals, drummer Rory Kirkpatrick, and from the early demos and releases they look to be a band well worth keeping an eye on - not just for the future, but from right now with a searing and soaring blend of guitar tones and delicate vocal melodies dancing around a rhythmically flawless version of the famous "Oxford indie-pop sound".

I first met Rory, when I was in a band with his older brother Tom, and he was just a wee nipper at 12 years old - but was already a fantastic drummer and had a veracious appetite for music and learning his trade. After many years on the scene and doing some fantastic things in music including winning UK Buskers of the year (with his brother Tom) and getting to play with Sir Paul McCartney at Glastonbury (he has also played with Charly Coombes band and jammed with Dave Grohl) and lots more, he formed The Future Rays after writing material with friend John Harris and then teaming up with a brilliantly named bass player 'Everton' Barbota and guitarist Danny Fisher.  

The band have a couple of quite superb tracks up on their Youtube channel and you can hear a selection of very promising demo's on the bands Soundcloud page. Samples of both below. 

Having spent the past six months, writing songs and perfecting their sound, these first demo's appeared from sessions working with top Oxford producer Nick Moorbath at Evolution Studios. 2015 promises to be a busy year for the boys who are planning a UK tour and an their offical debut EP release. The band wagon has only just starting rolling, so be one of the first to jump on board now.

Some overdue thanks and praise for Billy Corgan...

I recently went to the splendid NOS Alive 2015 festival in Lisbon and was lucky enough to see a fantastic headline set from one of the best rock bands in the world - Muse. Having enjoyed the show so much I lingered around near the backstage access area hoping to get a chance to thank the guys from the band for giving us such a wonderful and inspiring performance...

...After several hours of patiently waiting, I caught a glimpse of Matt Bellamy walking towards the band van. I shouted to him and waved frantically to catch his attention, being such a caring and nice chap, he noticed me and approached cautiously to see what I wanted, he greeted me with a smile.

"I owe everything to Corgan"

"Thanks so much for that concert Matt, it was amazing, I really really enjoyed the show and was so pleased you played all your hit records" I blurted excitedly. Matt's response was truly humbling and opened my eyes to one of the inevitable axioms of ALL music...

"Don't thank us, we owe it all to Billy Corgan. Without him, we'd be nothing, we'd have had no hit singles and wouldn't even have known where to begin or what guitars even were. You should really be thanking Billy." he humbled replied.

A little confused at first, because naturally - like everyone else - I assumed that the Smashing Pumpkins front man was simply a bald-headed moron who had gone insane on the heady smells of moderate antique success, Matt proceeded to tell me the true-story of the world, it's creation and all the wonderful things in it...

Here is a short list of just some of the things we owe to Billy Corgan:

Hit Songs: Without "Disarm" and "Today" there'd be no such thing as modern alternative music.
"I wrote more hits than anybody of my generation, I’m not seen as a songwriter." Billy said, and he's totally right... Can you name even one other band in history who has more than two minor hit singles using guitars? In fact every band since 1955 that has used a guitar really owes a debt to Billy's pioneering spirit and endeavour, turning such an unpopular instrument into a mainstream and iconic symbol of musical freedom. Thank you Billy.

Corgan invented 'meaningful' lyrics

All guitar bands: "I helped launch a bunch of people playing in guitar bands" said Billy, and if you really stop to think about it, he's right... The Beatles, Oasis, Muse, Radiohead and even Kraftwerk, all simply could not have existed without having been spoon-fed Siamese Dream into their ears since birth - in some cases, owing to technological deficiencies of the age, these artists even had to 'imagine' Siamese Dream being piped into their ears up to twenty years before technology was able to make that a reality. Thank you Billy.

Thom Yorke practising a steely Corgan stare

All strings sections:  "I Broke different styles in the alternative pop mainstream with strings, and all sorts of stuff. Don’t get credit for that." - Billy Corgan. Indeed, without trail-blazer Billy, there would be no Sgt. Peppers Lonely Hearts Club Band, No ELO, No Beethoven symphonies and string quartets would all still be singing barbershop acapella songs. Thank you Billy.

A Pre-Corgan String Quartet

Victorian Arts and the Industrial Revolution: Contrary to what the history books may teach us in schools, the technological and artistic progress of humanity made during the Victorian era was actually inspired by Billy Corgan's 1995 music video for "Tonight Tonight"... from the works of Jules Verne to the steam engine and balloon aviation, there'd have been no progress without this slice of sheer inspiration. Thank you Billy.

Moonlight: Contrary to popular belief the moon does not simply reflect the sun but instead shines so bright at night as it reflects the genius radiating from Billy Corgan's shiny bald head. The different phases of the moon are simply based on the moon's position relative to Seattle. If he were ever to put on a hat, we'd all bump into everything at night-time. Thank you Billy.

Thank you for the moonlight

Mugs: Before Billy invented the mug, coffee-drinking was a painful, burning experience as people simply had to pour scalding hot water over their cupped hands whilst holding some beans or a tea-bag. Billy gave us the mug, and all humanity was able to get a caffeine infused hot beverage pick-me-up without a subsequent trip to the burns unit of our local hospitals.  Thank you Billy.

The world's first mug.

Dog leads: The average American family would get through about 30 - 40 dogs a year, which would be lost forever to the wilderness whilst taking them out for "walkies". The entire dog population of the world OWES Billy their lives, as their keen eyed predisposition for running off excitedly and getting lost, could lead to anything from them ending up on the menu at a Chinese Restaurant to being gang raped by Hillbillies with a gag in their mouths. Billy's simple variation on the "noose" and "guide-rope" - pioneered during a period of great personal suffering and suicidal thoughts - has saved dogs from all corners of the world. Thank you Billy - we owe you our lives. 

Dog lead prototype # 1

"Blowing your head off with a shot gun didn't lead to a single dog-saving invention did it Kurt?" - Corgan on Dog Leads.

Spreadable Butter and Enjoyable Toast: Billy Corgan was the first person to devise a spreadable butter for use straight from the fridge. If you enjoy toast you owe that enjoyment to Billy Corgan. 

and finally...

Humility: Considering all that Billy Corgan has done for humanity, and considering the scant praise and adulation we as humans have bestowed on him for his greatness, we should all mostly be grateful to Billy Corgan for demonstrating humility to us all. In spite of the ungracious and sometimes willfully ignorant way we as a 'people' have ignored him, he has never once spoken outwardly in vanity or sought any kind of reward or praise for all the great things he has done for us, he has always behaved with dignity in public and in interviews and he has sustained his sanity throughout all the terrible ordeals we have put him through. 

“I don’t even feel I’ve even come close to getting the credit that I deserve" - Billy Corgan.,

“You show me in this culture where I've ever been celebrated to the breadth of what I've accomplished... it's never happened.” - Billy Corgan
Thank you for everything Billy.

Paul McCartney is unable to teach my child music...

In an interview entirely fabricated to garner pointless publicity; uncredible, local-level musician Trevor Hambidge has revealed that Paul McCartney is quite unable to teach his child how to read and write music notation because Paul McCartney is unable to read or write music notation himself.

Speaking candidly on the subject, he told his uninterested canine companion 'Sasha' that "If I even had a child, I am quite sure I'd have to teach him or her myself how to use music notation - or hire a music teacher to do the job, because I'm sure Sir Paul is both too busy and musically ignorant to do it!"

He continues, "Paul McCartney doesn't even give a shit about my, admittedly fictitious, child and as a result I can only conclude that he is a massive ass-hat and totally unworthy of being one of the most successful musical composers of our age... but even if he did care, he still couldn't, because he can't read music!"

Long-time McCartney fan Hambidge, 35, even alludes to the fact that on his recent EP release 'Adverb Ego Mirth' (available to anyone who cares by clicking here), McCartney, 73, has even tried to leave his already considerable levels of fame and fortune entirely untouched, by NOT appearing on the record in any capacity, and by not even needing to refuse to have anything to with it by association.

"Seeing how he tried to cling on to the shirt tails of shit US rapper/singer Kanye West, 37 (pic above), and that girl with the over-sized forehead, 27, (pic below) in an attempt to tarnish his reputation, I was deeply offended that he made absolutely no attempt whatsoever to plummet towards obscurity by appearing on my latest record." he fumed.

"I've seen all these posts on Twitter and Facebook from young kids saying they all know who Paul McCartney is, and admire him, but not even one of them claims to 'not know' who I am?" he ranted.

It is believed that so few people even know who Hambidge is, that Metro and other such 'click-baiting' media cesspits are unlikely to even try and leverage his unpopularity into a pointless article with a controversial sounding headline that serves absolutely no purpose.
  

Some pictures of me doing what I love...

Here are a couple of pictures of me doing what I love in the comfort of my own home; taken by the wonderful woman I share that home with - Teresa...

Obrigado Amorzinha xxx

Just how shit is British pub culture for live music?

It's been around six weeks since I've planted my once-nomadic musical roots firmly down in the warm and sun soaked soils of Lisbon. Still very much a learner of the language and culture, and in spite of being weighed down by the gastronomical demands of endless plates of grilled sardines and cod fish, I have been busy making some inroads to this new musical scene.

The Portuguese have a very different attitude to live music to that which I have previously experienced in the UK; in many ways this can be attributed to the culture and the weather - which allows warm lazy evenings to unwind slowly into the early hours of the morning - something the British climate outright denies us. Here the live music events often don't even begin till eleven in the evening and run on till the early hours, but the most note-worthy difference is the attitude of the audiences, who seems to receive live music with an unbridled enthusiasm and outright lack of cynicism so often seen in the British pubs.

Here in Lisbon the venues are often filled with seated punters, who've all come to the bar specifically to see live music, and have often paid to do so with many bars employing a minimum spend-per-head policy. Their attention is often firmly focused on the performance and musicians and all songs are greeted with a sincere, heartfelt gratitude and applause (regardless of the standard sometimes) and by the end of the concert most will be on their feet dancing and singing along enthusiastically.

I can't help but feel Britain could have much to learn about the way live music events are run here, but also can't help but worry that the ingrained pub-culture and natural cynicism of home may prove to be a barrier to this kind of free, easy and sociable fun that surrounds live music here. It may take a generation at least to change some British attitudes, where often even the best local musicians are treated as a "nuisance" by the pub-goers, and in many cases the fact there is paid live music at all almost feels like a kind of "charity" from the landlords - who often see the effect that live music actually drives their regulars away and there till takes downwards.

Trying to put a finger on the reasons for this seems difficult, but is it a case that many Brits are unable to truly see the value of and embrace something unless it has been given a thorough endorsement from an entire peer group, various media outlets and slapped with an expensive price tag? For example in late 2013 I recall going to see an unknown George Ezra in Truro playing to an almost empty venue on a shared bill with local musicians for free. He was superb. It was a well promoted show locally and George was already gaining a good reputation as a star of tomorrow... It meant nothing ultimately. Fast forward two years and George returned to Truro - this time at the much larger Hall For Cornwall venue - along with an expensive ticket price; of course it was a sell-out...

There are quality musicians and live performers playing around you every night of the week. Some of them could be the stars of tomorrow and you can go see them - often doing the exact same act - entirely for free just by opening your eyes and lowering your preconceptions. As I've seen here in Lisbon these local performances are to be treasured and can do so much to raise the standard of life in the community - how can a quiet night in the pub getting drunk really offer a viable alternative? It isn't money or cost - because most live music events are free or have entry prices that are less than a cup of coffee, let alone an alcoholic drink. For Christ-sakes, go and enjoy yourselves.